Traditions.....

It's really sad to me that you have to wait until someone you love passes away to either learn about them and their lives and different family traditions. I feel that I sort of missed out a little bit on the tradition thing, or at least learning some traditions in our family because mom had passed away at such a young age. Actually, when I think about it, the age I am right now, is when she passed away. It makes me really sad to think of all the things my mom missed out on dying so early. I know that she watches over me and my family but it's not the same. I could not even begin to imagine if I only had a few more months to live, all the things that I would miss out on. At this moment, because of all the stuff that is happening right now, I almost feel anxious to get on with life. I feel like I'm at a stalemate. Things around me are hurrying right along, but it doesn't feel like I'm slowing down enough to observe and enjoy them. I'm sure that I do more so than other people as I am not working right now. Sometimes, I just feel so overwhelmed with life. Even though I don't want it to go by too fast, I almost can't wait to see what's around the next corner. I do wish I was still in my twenties. As long as I know what I know now! That would have to be my one stipulation.

Anyhow, back to the tradition thing. I was talking with my Uncle Gary the other night. He enlightened me on some Japanese traditions. When a family member dies, family and friends come to the memorial service of course, but they would also either send flowers or a card, and when they come to the service, they bear a white envelope with money inside for the immediate family to help pay for funeral expenses. This is a long standing tradition my uncle says as in the old days, it was hard for families to pay for such expenses. Not that funerals are any cheaper now, we just tend to prepare in advance for them now. This giving of money is called "Koden". I had never heard of such a tradition. Usually, as people give money, there is an attendant who opens the envelopes and records the persons personal information and the amount they gave. This information is then transfered into a "log book" for future reference.

My uncle was telling me about when my Uncle Dennis died. He was only 25 years old when he was killed by that drunk driver. After his funeral, my Grandpa had pulled my Uncle Gary aside and gave him Uncle Denny's log book. He told him that it was now his responsibility to check off everyone the family had reciprocated to. Let me better explain, as I had to ask my uncle to do so. Everyone who came to the service, gave flowers, a card or money was written down in the log book. When someone in the log book, or any member of their family passed away, our family would reciprocate in the same way they did for our family in our time of need. Then they would be checked off in the log book. My Uncle Gary has the unfortunate task of having My Uncle Denny's, my Grandpa's, and now my Grandma's log book. He said that he has been asked many times why he is so morbid about reading the obituaries. But, the responsibility of log books is very important to Japanese tradition. Of course, my mom doesn't have a log book as dad was the one who looked after her service and either didn't know about the log book (which I would think that my family would have made sure he knew about it) or he just didn't bother. I think it is a wonderful tradition. "Koden" is something I had to learn through death, not life.

My Uncle Gary asked my Great Aunt Masaye (my Grandma's sister), what the Japanese tradition for memorial anniversary was. Apparently, in Japanese tradition, you have a memorial one year after the death, then three years, then seven years, then thirteen years etc. I figured out the pattern as my Uncle did not know why at these intervals, It's two years from the first memorial, then four years from the second memeorial, then six years etc. Interesting eh? My Great Aunt Masaye said that memorials are usually forgotten about as time goes on. I could see that however, had I known about that tradition, I probably would have done it for my mom. Again, something I had to learn through death, not life.

I am sure that if I thought long and hard enough, I could probably remember some traditions from growing up. I had seventeen years with mom. Those, I will have to think about and write about later. I'm too emotional at this time. I miss my Grandma so terribly, I hurt so deeply, I can't explain it. Today would have been her 85th birthday! I asked my Uncle to take some flowers to her grave for me for her birthday, and he said he would. He told me that they were going to have a little birthday party for her. There were some tears shed today, but I know that as time goes on, they will become more infrequent. I can now think of mom without crying, unless I'm having a super emotional day, then all bets are off.

Happy Birthday Grandma!

I LOVE YOU!