In Loving Memory.....

Well, the worst has happened. My Grandma, passed away at 3:42pm on Wednesday, February 15, 2006. I can't stop crying. There are moments when the crying just overtakes me and I can't control it. There are so many silly little thoughts that go through my head that I feel stupid for even thinking them.

For instance, right away, I should have called her last weekend. But, I didn't. I thought of her throughtout the weekend but thought, I'm so crazy busy with kids, I'm not 100% feeling great, (still very sore all over) I'm tired and would like some time to just sit. Which I did to watch Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy. Then off to bed. Of course, the week comes and I'm thrown into Ryan and school, the odds and ends of moving etc. So, on Monday, I went to the DMV and changed my address on my driver's license, went to Neufeld's to get chicken and then to the Bay to see Mike and Suzanne and got adjusted. That felt so great! Then back to Yarrow to pick up Ryan from school then home. Everyday there is something. What I'm trying to say is that Grandma and I usually talked every Sunday and at the very least every other Sunday.
Dave used to kid around and say that "that was a record on the phone this time eh?" I'd look to see how long we were talking and say, "nope, I've talked longer before". We usually always talked for at least an hour. Grandma and I talked about everything. We didn't always agree on everything but then who does?

When mom passed away in 1988, Grandma filled that void for me. Even though Grandma and I talked about grown up things, I always felt like a little child when I was with her. Looking for her to be proud of me, and always wanting to be "good". When she was able bodied, my annual summer visits to her were memorable. She always took care of me, like I was on vacation. She never wanted me to pay for anything, cook anything, or clean anything. As her body deteriorated over the last five years, she would finally let me do more and more for her, which made me feel good to finally be able to do things for her.

Grandma suffered a lot of heartache in her time. Our telephone conversations often brought up our shared losses and we were here for each other to console one another. Now, I feel alone to console myself. Those comforting words are in my heart and my head but I will never 'hear" them again. Grandma lost her youngest son Christmas time of 1973. I was only two years old when Uncle Dennis died. He was killed by a drunk driver heading home from Christmas celebrations with us. Grandma always used to say "what if". What if he had just used the bathroom before he left, or stayed over one more night or........ I told her that she can't play that game with herself, it was out of her control. I can't imagine losing a child. Ryan and Shane are so precious to me that I think I would seriously lose myself in sorrow and grieft if anything happened to them. Children are not supposed to die before you. They are meant to outlive you. In 1983, my grandpa passed away. I loved him so much. He liked to preted that he was the stearn strict one....ha, what a laugh. He was the kindest gentlest man you'd ever meet. Then in 1988, my mompassed away of lupus. It was a long five months in the hospital. I remember that she had slipped into a coma like state. The doctors and nurses said that she could hear everything we said. The last time I saw my mom, I sat with her for hours. I've never cried so much. I told her that it was selfish of me to keep telling her ti fight to live when it was something that she always said, "if I don't have quality of life, or have to live in a wheelchair, I don't want to live". I told her that if she felt it was her time to go, then basically, I was ok with her decision. That night she passed away. That was the hardest time in my life. It still reduces me to tears. I don't think it's something I will ever "get over". So, Grandma, lost yet another child. How is this even happening? I'm so happy to say that my uncle Gary and his wife Betty and my cousing Greg still live in Kamloops and I am close with them. As my uncle said last night. "we're like the last of the mohicans". I let out a little tear filled laugh.

My girlfriend Kelli and her son Logan came for a visit on Friday. It was so good to see her. We don't get together as often as we should or would like as we live about an hour and fifteen minutes apart. Suzanne touched on some truths. Kelli is my one link to my past. She has been through everything with me. She knew my mom, briefly, she knew grandma, and, unfortuantely, knew dad too. She did a lot of buttering dad up over those last teenage years, but that story is better suited for a later date. It's true, Kelli and I have seen and done it all. We have been friends for 20 years. Wow, when you write it, that's a long time. We've seen our share of ups and downs and have managed to stand the test of time together. I thank my lucky stars for her to be a part of my life.

The one thing I'm most happy about is that Grandma was able to see me get married. She really pressed me on that issue. Dave and I had lived together for 7 years before we got married. We had Ryan three years before we got married. Grandma used to say that she would like to see me get married before she died. She got that wish. She of course helped us out a lot. I'm so glad that we got married of course, but to have Grandma there, meant everything.

Two things that make me real sad are; I never got a chance to see or speak to her before she passed away. I would have liked to have a chance to get to the hospital to say my goodbyes. Second, she never got to meet Shane. Her second great grandchild. Not that Shane would ever remember it but, for me would have meant a lot. She did get his pictures at Christmas time.

My girlfriend Suzanne came for a visit today bearing gifts. Her junk recycled....lol. One man's junk is another man's treasure. She's always thinking of me. I can't put into words how much I appreciate everything she does for me and my family. She always listen's to my rants and let's me vent and unload all my crap. I'm sorry...hopefully you can dump it and not take it on. We both had interesting readings today....dare to share later......and of course accomplished no card making. Just a little snacking. I can't believe that she was thinking of coming with me to Kamloops to help me with the kids if Dave was unable to get time off work. There is a true dedicated friend for you. Of course, being a union guy, time off is no problem and a no brainer. We're doing this together. Thank you Suzanne for you all your love and thoughtfulness. I Love you! Don't ever think that I take you for granted, I appreciate our friendship and our lives intertwining immensly. I just need to say it more often.

I've put together some music for grandma's service. I downloaded a bunch of music and sent the list to Greg. We narrowed it down to eight songs.
1. The Prayer - Josh Groban
2. Tears in Heaven - Eric Clapton
3. Will you remember me - Sarah McLaughlin
4. The wind beneath my wings - Bette Midler
5. My Heart Will Go On - Celine Dion
6. You Raise Me Up - Josh Groban
7. In the arms of angels - Sarah McLaughlin
8. Amazing Grace - Faith Hill
Uncle Gary has pretty much taken care of everything else. I feel so usless being so far away and not able to help. I feel that I should be helping in some way.

Dave and I will be taking Ryan to school on Monday. When we pick him up from school, we'll be heading straight up to Kamloops. Uncle Gary was thinking of me and out of town family when he set up a viewing at 7:00pm Monday evening. This will give us a chance to say our goodbyes.

The actual service will be held on Tuesday February 21, 2006 @ 1pm. After the internment there will be a get together at the funeral home with catered sandwiches, pastries, tea and coffee etc. In the evening, the family will gather at Lee''s for a chinese supper. I remember doing this when Grandpa passed away too. I told Uncle Gary that I would help with the Thank you cards on Wednesday morning and then Dave and I will come home around lunch time.

The hardest thing for me will be staying at Grandma's. I asked Uncle Gary where Dave and I should stay. I had meant hotel wise. He said that of course Grandma's if I felt comfortable with that. As hard as this is going to be, I think it will be good therapy for me. This hurts so much. it's almost not real. I can still hear her voice. I hope I never forget it. Over the years, my mom's voice has faded. Not her memory, but I have a hard time 'hearing' her voice and that makes me cry. I do know that we'll all be re-united one day but it doesn't make it any easier on the living right now.

I thank god for my close friendships.....Kelli, Suzanne, and Charmaine. That's why they were all in my wedding party. I appreciate all of my friends that I don't get to see or talk to very often too! Cassandra, Tracy, Debbie, Aysha, if I forgot you, you know who you are. Big hugs. When I think of all the love and support given to me by my friends, I believe I am truly blessed. However, there is nothing like family. That is why my family with Dave is so important to me. With my family diminishing, I feel the need to have to build my family with Dave and only hope that I get to experience every last little milestone and hurrah that comes their way. I think that is why I have a tendency to keep everything. It's a way for me to cope number one and second a way for me to cherich the memory associated with the item. If I were to get rid of it, that memory may be lost. That scares me.

I don't know if I will have the strength to say a few words at Grandma's funeral, or even what to say for that mater. All I know is that my "rock" is gone. I feel lost without her. I loved her so much that I can't even explain the deep pain I feel when I think of her being gone. It's not empty, it's just painful. I know in my head that it's the circle of life and that death has to be faced head on but I would not wish grief on anyone. It's got to be the most deep down, sould\ scarring hurt you'll ever feel. My soul knows we'll re-unite someday. My physical self wants her back more.

I Love You Grandma....Thank you for all that you have taught me and shared with me. You are a piece of me and my boys, and that resonates through.