These are crazy days.....

Well, where do I begin? Lets go back a week. It's gone by so fast
that my head is spinning.

I had a wonderful day on Saturday February 18, 2006 with Suzanne. She came over to the house for 1pm. We both had a reading done by Michelle. It was great. Not only did we both enjoy our readings, we enjoyed Michelle as well. She was a super nice lady. Of course, she told me that I was going to have another baby, and that "she" would be a girl. Now doesn't that just lead me into temptation..... :) She figures that I "could" conceive in May between the 18th - 28th. Free will of course being the nature of the beast. After Sue went home, I made supper for the family and took one Naproxen the Dr. had prescribed for my all over body pain. Morning is usually brutal for me, crippling actually, so I figured I would try one and see how I felt when I woke up in the morning. Well, at about 1am, I started throwing up. If you have a queasy stomach, skip to the next paragraph now! Death had warmed over. I was throwing up violently. Then diarrhea. I didn't know whether to sit or stand. I was throwing up to the point of dry heaving. I figured that was it. I would just crawl back into bed to fling the covers off and run like hell to the toilet. I was throwing up more, beyond the dry heaves. I have never thrown up that much. I thought I was going to die. I have never even been that sick after drinking too much. This went on for about 5 hours. Actually, I did want to die by that point.

Sunday February 19, 2006. I was useless to everybody. I asked Dave to take Shane after I nursed him (not that he was getting any nutrition from me) I begged for a little more sleep. I got up about 9:20am. We were supposed to be packing for our trip to Kamloops but I just couldn't do it. Dave had to run some errands so he took Ryan with him. Shane and I fended for ourselves. I have to say, I have one patient little baby. I figured that I should get something in me, not for me, but for Shane. I figured a nice cold protein shake would do the trick. I whipped one up with milk, a banana, and a lot of ice. The colder the better. Charmaine popped by to lend me some clothes for my Grandma's funeral as I was in no shape to go shopping. She's a life saver! After Charmaine left, I finished my shake just in time to run to the bathroom and lose it all. That was a bad idea. Not even water was a good idea. Again, if I didn't have Shane to tend to, I would have holed myself up in my room, in the dark, to die. When I put Shane to bed at 7pm, I fell asleep with him. You know I had to be pretty sick to miss my ritual Sunday night shows. I missed both Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy. I did roll over and look at the clock at both nine and ten and thought to myself, I should get down there. I just couldn't muster the energy.

Monday February 20, 2006. I showered and was running around like a mad woman trying to pack stuff for the trip. I was still feeling real shitty but stuff still had to get done. Dave loaded up the van and we were on the road by about noon. The trip was uneventful. Roads were good. Just one slushie section just before entering Kamloops. Nothing to report home about. We got to my Uncle Gary's place and visited for a bit before heading to Grandma's house. We needed the key. I think by this point, Shane got a touch of what I had. He wasn't keeping anything down. He was happy and not fussy at all. Thank goodness. I thought it was going to be real hard staying at Grandma's house. I'm glad I have children as a diversion at times. The first thing Ryan said when we arrived was "Where's Grandma?" How do you explain this tragedy to a five year old? I was crushed inside. Dave told him that Grandma was in heaven up in the sky. His response was that we had to get on a plane to get her. I was in the bedroom crying. I did have to contain myself on many occasions as Ryan is a real sensitive child. When he sees me cry, he gets real worried and wants to know what is wrong and wants to kiss it to make it better. Like I said before, a good diversion. My uncle had arranged with the funeral home a viewing for me. I was devastated when I heard that Grandma had passed away....she was my rock. I wanted to see her so badly. This way, I got to say my goodbyes - for now. She looked beautiful. So peaceful, without pain or discomfort in her pretty pink dress. I had to touch her. Her hand was soft but cold. Boy did I cry. I'm crying now just thinking about her. What am I going to do without her? After I said my goodbyes, we went back to Grandma's to put the children to bed. Uncle Gary, Betty and Greg brought over pizza. I had one piece but my stomach was still very queasy. Dave never emerged. He fell asleep putting Ryan to bed.

That night, I couldn't sleep. I laid in Grandma's bed watching Shane sleep and thinking. It was a time to reflect, reminisce, cry, smile, laugh, and cry some more. My mind was racing. All of a sudden at about 1am, I heard a loud cry from Ryan. He was throwing up. Dave flew out of bed and asked that I deal with him as he was going to be sick too. I pulled Ryan out of bed, cleaned him up. Dave put his t-shirt on him as we only packed one pair of pajamas for him. Ryan was NOT happy about that. It would have made a cute picture. Shirt was to the floor, sleeves to his hands, and neck half way down his chest. Ryan's hair was all disheveled and he had tear stained cheeks. I put him in his sweat pants and sweat shirt and promised to wake him as soon as his pajamas were washed and dried. I stripped the bed and remade the bed. Ryan and Dave were both sick all night. I put a bucket beside the bed for Ryan and tried to explain to him that if he threw up in the bucket, then I wouldn't have to keep changing the bed or him to do laundry. For the rest of the night, he did his best to get it in the bucket. I was so proud of him. What a thing to be proud of eh? I swear, grandma's washer and dryer have never done so much laundry. I did about 5 loads of laundry by morning. I didn't sleep all night. I finally drifted off around 6am and was up at 8am to shower and get ready for the service. Dave was going to try and come but I told him I knew exactly how him and Ryan were feeling and that it was more important that they get better. Plus, nobody wants to share that bug. Brutal.

Tuesday February 21, 2006. Shane and I took off to my Uncle's place for 11am. There the close family was meeting before the service. There was a car coming for us to take us to the service at 12:15pm. My aunt and uncle had put out some food; veggie platter, fruit tray, deli tray and some buns. Because my stomach was STILL queasy, I went for some fruit which was fabulous. It was fresh and cold and quenched my thirst. Betty held Shane while I ate and he promptly fell asleep in her arms. It was so cute. The car came and we loaded up to head to the funeral home. The funeral director, Dennis had asked Greg and I to pick three songs for the actual service. One to be played at the beginning, the middle and the end. He would then play the rest of the CD for background music for the reception. Guests filed in first, then as the family entered behind Grandma in the casket, they played In the Arms of Angels by Sarah McLaughlin. The service itself was beautiful. Mary did a wonderful job. My uncle stood up to say a few words and broke down at the end. I had told him the night before that I would not be able to stand up and speak. The pain runs too deep. No one would understand me for one and to see someone in pain with grief, makes you cry. There wasn't a dry eye in the place. In the middle of the service, they played You Raise Me Up by Josh Groban and at the end of the service they played Amazing Grace by Faith Hill. We then followed Grandma to her final resting place at Hillside cemetery where she was buried beside my Grandpa Tak and my Uncle Dennis. I was the first to lay a rose on her casket and say my final goodbye. It was so hard. After Gregory laid his rose, he broke down. My aunt and uncle grabbed him to comfort him. I have to say, that was the loneliest moment I have ever felt in my life. I felt so alone. Who was going to comfort me? I have no family left. Is it selfish of me to think this way? Just thinking about it, I can feel the emptiness. It is deep, cold and hollow. After the graveside service we headed back to the funeral home for a reception. There was sandwiches, pastries etc. I couldn't eat. By this time it was about 3pm. My uncle had arranged for the immediate family to meet for dinner at Grandma's favorite Chinese food restaurant, Lee's at 5pm. When we arrived there, we ordered our drinks and then the food just started pouring out of the kitchen. My uncle had pre-ordered everything. I ate a bit more, still fighting the bug? or just not hungry because of the days events. I took off back to Grandma's for 7pm. I had to get Shane to bed. He was so awesome all day! He had one little cry during Grandma's service. Nothing a boob couldn't fix. I quickly nursed him and he fell asleep. He maybe napped for a total of an hour all day. He was such a trooper. I'm so proud of him. My uncle asked me to stop over to their house after I got him to sleep, but I declined as I was just wiped. Physically and emotionally. Having not slept the night before as well.

Wednesday February 22, 2006. Dave and I had planned to leave for home. I thought it was going to be hard staying at Grandma's. I soon discovered that it was going to be even harder to leave. I asked Dave if we could stay for one more day. I needed that day. Even though we were all on the mend, trying to recuperate, and didn't leave the house, the day just flew by. My uncle popped over late in the afternoon and dropped off some trays of food that were left over. Apparently my aunt caught the bug and was in bed. The week before Grandma's passing, they had put her on oxygen at the house so there was equipment in her bedroom and oxygen under her bed. The company had come by to pick it up. Ryan was all over him. What are you doing? and kept asking the poor man Where's Grandma? Dave came and got him and the man apologized for not knowing what to say. What can you say? I thanked him when he left.

Thursday February 23, 2006. It was a very hard day! There was a bit of early morning excitement in front of Grandma's house. Apparently there was a water break of some sort and the Kamloops Water Works crew were there with a dump truck, backhoe, and city workers. Dave went out to investigate. We packed up the van and Ryan got to sit in the backhoe. How exciting for him. I was having a real hard time leaving. I knew that I was never going to be there again. I stole a few more tear filled moments locking up the house before heading to the van. On the way to meet Uncle Gary and Greg at Denny's for breakfast, Ryan again asked where Grandma was. I started to cry, holding back as best I could and said to Ryan again that Grandma was in heaven up in the sky. His reply was that we had to take a purple spaceship to go and get her back. I couldn't have agreed more. We spent an hour and a half at breakfast before we hit the dusty trail. There is no other reason in the world to have to travel that awful Coquihala. It was scary. It was snowing and slippery and the roads were awful. I'm so thankful that Dave was driving. It took us about four hours to get home.

We came home to seven messages on the answering machine. I did get a phone call from Aysha's mom sending her condolences. Apparently she's in BC right now. Living or visiting, I'm not sure. Two messages from my sister Joanne. I knew something was up, we usually keep in touch via email or MSN. I said to Dave that I thought it had something to do with Dad. I called her as soon as I got home. Sure enough, Dad had passed away last week too. Apparently he was vacationing in Cambodia and they found him 2 days post mortem. Jo got a call from foreign affairs to notify her and she is working on sorting everything out. What a mess. My body cannot muster any tears for the man. I'm not sad in the least. How pathetic is that? I hadn't spoken to him in over ten years. I had half thought I should drop him a letter to let him know that Grandma passed away but now I don't have to open that can of worms.

Friday February 24, 2006. Ryan seemed to have a bit of a cough but was definitely on the mend. He went to school as normal and for the life of me I can't remember how I spent the rest of the day.

Saturday February 25, 2006. Lia came over and we (the boys too) went to Minter Country Store and looked at some plants. I got some seeds and a starter greenhouse for Ryan. I think it will be neat for him to see plants growing, and then transplant them out in the yard come spring. Hopefully something will grow. I'm not much of a green thumb. Unlike my Grandma, she could grow anything. We then went to the mall and got a quilt for Ryan's bed and a onesie for Shane from Sears. Everything was on sale and scratch and save too! The quilt was like $15 and the onesie was $6. Fantastic deals. It then started to snow. We came back to our place and made Lia wait for Dave and Kait to come home from the movies so he could take her home. It worked out great as John met them at Lias to get her couch to bring back here. We got way more snow then Abbotsford and Yarrow. We got about three inces. It's of course all gone now. Ryan had a blast with Dave playing outside, making snowmen and snow angels. He's sad that the snow is gone.

Monday February 27, 2006. What a $!#%!^$ day! Got up early to have a shower. I stopped off at Sardis Elementary to pick up the registration paperwork for Ryan's kindergarten, then off to preschool. When we first got in the van, I noticed that the back window was totally shattered. What the hell?! I was on the phone on the way to preschool to try and arrange getting it fixed. It couldn't have happened on a worse day! I had my specialist appointment in Abbotsford at 10:15am. Basically, I'm not taking enough medication consistently enough. He has also prescribed me some different medication which he says won't harm Shane or even an unborn baby if I were to get pregnant. I'm going to hold off for a bit. I'm going to try the Naproxen again and see how that works. Lia met me at the doctor's office to give me a new plaid winter coat for Shane. Is it ever cute! In the van again to go and pick up Ryan from preschool. On the way home, I dropped off the registration form for Ryan's kindergarten and then checked the mail and came home. Voxcom showed up at 12pm to install the alarm system. I had arranged to get the back window replaced at Speedy for 2pm. Voxcom guy wasn't done until 4pm. I had left him here at the house while I got the window fixed. Ryan, Shane and I waited at the glass shop for and hour and a half. Ryan was so good. Shane barely napped all day, maybe half an hour. I took Ryan to DQ for a smartie blizzard for being so good at the glass shop. We got back home at 4pm just in time for the guy to explain the new alarm system. I broke down this afternoon. Too much today. I felt tapped. I could take no more. Writing this blog has helped a bit. Now I am going to sleep.